George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

 If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin